Written version.

Resisting life - non acceptance

Resisting yourself means resisting life.

As I came to write about acceptance for today’s session, the first in Acceptance Week, I found myself a little stumped.

Not because I struggled to find words, but because trying to fit all of what acceptance means in the face of chronic illness, into one week, is a big ask!

And you know what, that’s OK; trying and fit it all into one week would actually be doing the power of acceptance a disservice.

I read a quote the other day and thought, yes, that’s where I want to start.

“Yet because fear is an intrinsic part of being alive, resisting it means resisting life.  The habit of avoidance seeps into every aspect of our life:  It prevents us from loving well, from cherishing beauty within and around us, from being present to the moment.” - Tara Brach

On the other side of acceptance, lies non-acceptance.  A place I resided in for nearly a decade.  As much as I told myself I was accepting of my chronic illness - as if it was a box I needed to tick in order to reach that next stage of healing - every part of my body said the opposite.  It recoiled when I contemplated acknowledging my chronic illness as a part of me.  It shuddered when I couldn’t ‘other’ my very real physical experiences.

And then there was fear…

A big part of what keeps non-acceptance alive is fear; fear of what it would mean about you if you accepted the thing about you that society and the status quo says you absolutely shouldn’t.  

Fear around what other people will think of you if you’re seen to not resist and reject your chronic illness.  

Fear that, if you accept it, it will completely take over your body and your life and you’ll drown.  

Fear of how good things could get for you if you let go of the idea that you need fixing.

Taking that leap into acceptance is scary.  Avoiding fear is completely understandable, especially when it’s held against the backdrop of an already overworked and exhausted nervous system.

Non-acceptance is like encasing yourself in a dome; a hard shell that feels like it’s protecting you from your chronic illness and from all that fear…but silently limits the experience of life, compassion, support, freedom and release.

And to top it off, all that we’re led to believe about acceptance - giving up, failing, losing yourself - feeds that fear.

Phewf, that’s a lot, right?!

What if you knew that, on the other side of acceptance, on the other side of that dome, isn’t a tsunami of stuff that will drown you, but a tsunami of stuff that will hold you?

There is nothing more powerful than a person who accepts their whole self.

Your acceptance journey needs to include nourishment of your nervous system.  It needs to include connection with your inner safety (both of which you practiced in Week 2).  And it needs to include the knowledge - and a somatic connection with that knowledge - that acceptance of your chronic illness brings clarity, space, energy, compassion, healing, freedom, ease, flow and happiness.

OK, go ahead and close your eyes.  Get comfortable.  Clear your mind with a few breaths.  Stretching up on the inhale, letting everything go with a generous sigh.  Maybe roll your neck, shake your arms and take a nice big yawn if it feels like what you need.

I want you to start thinking about what your life would look like with more clarity, space, energy, freedom, and all that good stuff mentioned before.  I want you to picture how you’d go about your daily life; the things you’d do, the things you’d plan, the way you’d be.

Think about the times in your life you have lived like that.  How did it feel?

Now start to notice how that feels in your body; where do you feel it?  What does that feeling look like…what’s its temperature, texture, sound, density, movement?  Does it make you want to move your body in any way?  If it does, feel free to go ahead and do that.

Keep connecting with that feeling.  Give it a name if it feels like it fits.  Can you distill it, bottle it?

This is the feeling I want you to connect to when you think about - and work on - acceptance.  This is the feeling I want you to remember when that fear creeps in.  This is the feeling I want you to bring in when you’re stepping into your parasympathetic nervous system.

This feeling - this experience - is what lies on the other side of acceptance.  Yes, whilst letting yourself go into it can induce fear - because it’s not just the big, bad things that scare us - I want you to remember…

That feeling is within you.

That life is within you.

That person is within you and they’re ready to be set free.

You are safe.  You are held.  You’ve got this.